Aint Nothin Gonna Break My Stride

Matthew Wilder sang it best:

Ain't nothin' gonna to break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh-no
I got to keep on movin'...

To say this hasn't slowed me down would be a little bit of a stretch, but keeping moving has kept me from throwing myself an all out Pity Party of the grandest kind!!!

The "crankies" and the lack of patience seem to be waning, not with absolution, but my goal this week of having appropriate expectations seems to be helping. I think. I suppose you have to ask the peeps I live with about that??? There was a chart for last week that set the ground work for the expectations! A LOT got accomplished and that was wonderful. The goals for this week have not been set and with a 2 day getaway in the plans I have a feeling very little will get accomplished, but I will breathe deep and chalk it up to SUMMER VACATION and be O.K. with it :)

My other goal this week was not to cry too much and I have met that goal with flying colors!!! I was a little uncomfortable for the first few days after the boot adjustment, but now feel pretty darn good. Some days I still do too much and my foot and ankle swell and ache and I am reminded to elevate and behave.

The things that keep me going and keep my spirits up include Movie Nights with the family, Coffee Meetings with the girls, CrossFit, the many Graduation Parties/BBQ's and of course all the new babies! I like having things to go to and to be a part of. I appreciate feeling included :)

The things I struggle with still are: 1. Not having a job this summer and feeling stuck, feeling like I am not contributing, 2. I get frustrated that I cannot go for a run or even a walk. On one hand I feel like my leg is getting stronger and I think I'll be able to take little steps or scoots, but it's just not true. I have been measuring the pounds of force that I am able to tolerate on the bathroom scale and I am only up 40 lbs on my ATR (achilles tendon rupture) and that is only about 1/3 of my total body weight, so I still have a ways to go :(

I have been getting pictures of where the boot can go to show you and remind myself that I am still on the move. That "Ain't nothin' gonna to break my stride, Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh-no I got to keep on movin'..."


The Boot on the road ... I am NOT driving (in this pic) ;P












The Boot in Starbucks ... mmmmmmmm














The Boot and a Baby :)















Thanks for reading...pass it on!

FOUR WEEKS

One month of recovery under my belt. I gotta admit I'm surprised how quickly it has gone by. At this point in the game, I am still in the boot and there is very little pain. I am almost getting...comfortable? Well, not exactly comfortable, how about complacent? I'm not sure that's the right sentiment either. At day 32-ish I feel at peace with where I am on this road to recovery. I can get certain things done and get around pretty well. With that being said, I went in this morning for the dreaded "BOOT CRANKING." The anticipation had me in a sad and cranky place last night. The actual stretch today felt pretty good. It was a feeling of progress!!! Shortly after the appointment the feelings turned into a mild ache that I can only compare to the fiery yet dull nowhere ache of a growing pain. Those of you that know me may take this time to insert a short joke, but yes, I remember growing pains ;)

The boot cranking involved and allen wrench, a boot and a doctor. There is a dial on my boot that has been keeping my foot at an angle that has allowed the tendon and muscle to heal with a lot of slack. At my appointment, the doc used the allen wrench to change the degree of the angle on the the boot in order for the Achilles to start to stretch back to normal. Due to the nature of the tear - a jagged mess - there was some pulling down and overlapping, bringing the gastroc muscle down and pulling it a little extra to overlap the Achilles in order to have some "meat" to sew together. Even now when I have the boot off at home and I try to stretch it I can feel the incredible tightness and I question if I will truly be able to stretch this back to a usable angle :-/ For now I try to keep pushing those thoughts out of my head and just TRUST the process.

So, I'm doing ok with me, myself and the l-e-g, but me and my expectations of others are apparently still off base. I know that I can have a tough and demanding personality at times. I know that the less I can do, the more I want done. When there is something that I cannot do due to my current limitations I just may start barking orders or using some beautiful (sarcasm) passive aggressive statements that really don't do much to inspire people.

Ugh, I do not like that about me... The less I can do, the more I want done. Why do I always have to be working on me? I am exhausting myself. When will I just be content? Probably never, 'cuz content sounds kinda boring :P

This weeks mission is 1. Not too cry too much as the pieces stretchhhhh out 2. To work on appropriate expectations (there will be a chart involved).

Dove Chocolates Have All The Answers

It's true! On the sad days, which seem to be fewer and father between, the Dove Dark Chocolate with Almonds were not only yummy, but when I opened them up (sometimes 4 or 5 at a time... or 6) there was always a sweet little quip precariously placed to placate my inner meanie voice.

You heard me, my meanie voice. You have one, the one that tells you, "you're not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough, organized enough, well rounded enough, blah, blah blah enough... That voice was LOUD AND CLEAR at the on set of this journey. It took an entire bag of Dove Chocolates, plus friends, lots of good encouraging friends to get me to here - the three-weeks-later place.

Today and for the past few days I have felt considerably happy! I know right?!?! HAPPY!

Did you know about these "fortune cookie-esque" words of wisdom? Well, in my bag of Doves these words were revealed: "Don't look back - you've already been there." How appropriate!!! Since my feelings of embarrassment were ONLY outweighed by the pain in the first week! I couldn't help but to look back! The meanie voice would repeatedly badger me with, "you are such a fool," and "how did you get here, oh that's right, you are such a fool." But as I unwrapped another little golden wrapper and popped one more delicious dark chocolate in my mouth and read the words again, slowly, the mortification melted with the morsel...mmmmm :)

What else did I learn from my bag of chocolates? One of my favorites: "Be still, breathe, know - you are fine."
I'm fine...... I am fine.
Oooh, this one was hard to swallow. Not the chocolate, non of those were difficult, but the words...Be Still. Um well, the day after surgery I was at a piano recital and the day after that I was at a track meet and the next day I went shopping for my son's and husband's birthdays and the next day and the next... Being still can be a very big challenge. Knowing that I'm fine, hmmm, well, I gotta tell you, I don't think I really take inventory too often on my actual state of well being. What about you guys out there? Do you ever really stop and say, I really need to do such and such for MYSELF in order to have everything else work without a heaping pile of bitterness? NOPE! "Be Still, breathe, know - you are fine." My eyes were hot and sting-y and blurry the first time my chocolate gave me permission to stop and breath and know that everything was going to be all right.

I should point out that I am not so sappy that I think candy wrapper sayings are healing me. I KNOW that eating a bag of chocolates by myself while I cry is what really heals a girl!

Many of the sayings repeated themselves and at the beginning of the Achilles Tendon Rupture (ATR) process there was A LOT of eye rolling on my part. I did not want my chocolate telling me to, "Be downright silly today," or to lecture me to "Do something nice for yourself today." QUIT BOSSING ME AROUND CHOCOLATES!!! DO YOUR JOB AND HELP ME FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF!!! DON"T YOU KNOW THIS IS A PITY PARTY?!?!? CHOCOLATES!!!

But with a little time and good friends and a schedule that helped to give me purpose, I started to take more advice from additional beautiful golden wrappers-of-reason.

"Lose yourself in a good read," Dove told me, so I did! And you know what? That totally helped me with the Be Still thing...for a minute ;)

"Sing no matter how bad you sound." I don't know how my bag of chocolates knew about my pitch problem, but I gotta tell you, there is NOTHING like belting out Gwen Stefani's "If I Was a Rich Girl," to get me felling all sassy! Ooh, especially the part where Eve raps, "Climbed all the way from the bottom to the top, now we aint gettin nothin but love!" I also find Air Supply to have some healing properties...please don't tell my friends :-/

It has been a good week. The Chocolates are gone, and that is O.K. I think I can walk on my own again...Well not actually walk, but I can get through a day without feeling too sorry for myself. I know this is a process. I know I will get through this process. I know the sadness and anger are not ALL gone from the process, but I will enjoy this happy little sugar high while it lasts!

In Good Company with David Beckham and Kalin Lucas

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/00719/sport-graphics-
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http://media.mlive.com/spartans_impact/photo/kalin-lucas-michigan-state-df140cb1401f908c_medium.jpg

I have been surfing the dreaded internet, typing "Achilles Rupture" into every search engine and sometimes it makes my stomach turn quick little puke-y flips and sometimes I find out that I am in good company. As it turns out this is considered an "older persons" injury...WHO'S CALLING ME OLD??? It also seems to go along with those weekend warrior types, you know the type, you might even be married to one. The guy that hasn't exercised since the the first Bush Administration, but is sure he can play a game of basketball without stretching ;) I am not too old and I have actually been fairly consistent in my workouts this year. And as my surfing has unearthed, it turns out, it's not just old outta shape guys that rupture their Achilles! Just in the past few months, two count 'em TWO elite athletes have also (also meaning "just-like-me") have had to have their muscles and tendons sewn back together.

First up David Beckham! Becks is one of the most well known people in the whole world. At age 34 (almost 35) he did the deed of completely tearing his achilles - and might I add it wasn't even a back flip! Now, for me it's a bummer, but for Becks, he was on the cusp of history!!! He was about to be the first player to appear in the World Cup for England FOUR times!!! That's a healthy career! I, on the other hand was just hoping to get to the grocery store before the milk ran out.

The reports on Beckham's recovery look like this on the world wide web: “The plan includes a complete recovery in six months, at the end of which he can play again,” the club said. http://sports.yahoo.com/soccer/news?slug=ap-beckhaminjured

I don't mean to sound glad about that, because I certainly don't wish any pain on another human being. What makes me happy or I guess content is that I have been given the same time frame. In reading Beckham's story as well as the next athlete's, I wondered how my mid-west recovery process would compare to the State-of-the-Art care and rehab of these elite athletes. (I feel a little like Rocky right now, you know the one where he fights Ivan Drago? Drago has all of the high tech computers and trains in a lab while Rocky is out in a cabin in the snowy mountains using rafters and logs...Hears hoping I have that kind of heart)! :-/

So Becks ripppped his achilles in March and there are pictures of him walking about in a walking boot. With three weeks in I can't tell you how much this lifts my spirits!!! So much so that as I "sit" (I'm really laying back with my foot up) here writing, researching, skimming through pictures, I dozed off and IT happened again, A promising little dream of myself walking and it didn't even hurt! I was cautious, even in the dream, but I was doing it! Thanks Becks for the images, it truly gives me hope :)

Closer to home, during College Basketball's March Madness, one of Michigan State's beloved Spartans did the same number heading into the Final Four! What heartbreak! Kalin Lucas, tore it up, literally! Lucas was given a 4-6 month recovery time table. I'm guessing they threw that 4 months in there because he was born in 1989! Whatever whipper-snapper! And it's no surprise that reports are out there saying he is recovering ahead of schedule. Being the competitor he is, I expect there is a certain title he has his eye on! And a goal can be the greatest gift in recovery! (Also, at this time it looks like State fans should partially thank Lucas for his recovery efforts as having an impact on keeping a certain Izzo in the house)!

I found some interesting little connections in my rummaging through the internet machine. They are silly, but here we go. David, Kalin and I were all born in May! David and I just one year apart, Kalin and I one day apart! (Ok, 15 years and one day). The Boys are both 6 feet even and I am 5 feet even! I was born in Detroit and raised in the tri-county area, Kalin is also a Metro-Detroiter. David Beckham now plays in Los Angeles and I have been to Los Angeles :) And most fun of all, these guys are exceptional athletes and champions of their respective sports AND in 1988 (a year before Kalin Lucas was born) I was the Class III Compulsory Michigan State Champion in gymnastics (wow that really makes me feel like Al Bundy reliving the glory days).

Well, I'm in good company with this wretched little set back and I just wanted the guys to know that they are in good company too... with some suburban housewife in the middle of right here :)

EXTRA:
As I was writing about Kalin and how his goal for a certain title was a great recovery tool, it dawned on me that I needed a goal. I was planning on running The Brooksie Way Half Marathon this October, the doctors say NO, NO, NO!!! They say I can run it next year, but I don't want to wait 'til next year! I know I'm no Kalin Lucas, so I won't push the time frame. I'm actually a year older than Becks and I read today that his recovery is NOT going a quick as he'd like. So with all this in consideration, maybe I can start training by Thanksgiving (good timing - I'd hate to be completely sedentary with all those carbs in my reach) and be ready for an event in say February? What do you think? What is there in February?
This is my new goal, to find a goal!
Suggestions welcome!
Maybe not more than a 10K. Is that too wimpy? Too much? We'll see :)

Strong Woman or a Tough B#@!

Finding the line between asking for help and just doing things has always been a challenge for me. Generally, I think I just like to take things in my own hands and get them done. This experience of being "broken" has forced me to not only accept help but also to ask when necessary. I am fortunate to be young-ish and in relatively good shape. I have said it before and I will say it again, I am blessed with good friends who notice my needs (when I may not) and step up to the plate without hesitation. Twice this week at Oakview, as I was getting out of my car, people automatically came to my aid without my asking and made sure I was SAFELY deposited at my destination. A third time this week a certain momma wagged her finger at me and made me call her as I approached the school so she could meet me curb side :) THANK YOU GIRLS!

So where do I draw the line? Am I supposed to be laying around with my foot propped? Is it O.K. that I am "sneaking" out and driving? Mostly I feel good, but I do still get worn out.

This week I was referred to as a "tough B," a title that swelled me with pride. I was also referred to as a "strong woman," a title that strangely pissed me off. Seems weird huh? I guess in one instance I was being applauded (so to speak) for not letting this rupture disrupt my life. In the other instance I took the vernacular to mean "stop feeling sorry for yourself, because you can handle it." I know I can handle it! That doesn't mean that I don't get sad and frustrated with my condition (condition warrants air quotes as it does not deserve real quotes). But, I know that I am fine (said high pitched with raised voice and defensively). I am determined to get through this and passed this and come back better than ever. I know there are other life experiences that are far worse than an achilles tear. Trust me I know! However, this is at the forefront of my consciousness. This is the obstacle that I wake up to in the morning. This is my reality.

I CAN be a strong woman. I CAN do laundry on one leg. I HAVE laid mulch (Charlie carried it over for me), pulled weeds, put groceries away, run errands, and more. I CAN be a strong woman. I will probably get in trouble by a few friends when they realize what I have been doing! I should tell you, I appreciate it :) I appreciate when someone says, "be careful" and "can I help you with that?" I may snap a sassy "NO, I CAN DO IT!" But I may just melt and say, "You know what? That would be great, thank you." Because, like I said before, finding the line between doing and asking is always tricky and having people around me who care is the greatest gift. (Dammit, now I'm crying) Thank you friends for helping me stay in line ;)

So the verdict is I'd rather be a Tough B#!* with a side order of surrender.

Injury Update: Today marks the 3 week anniversary from injury, which means only 9 more weeks non weight bearing...maybe.
In about 10 days the doctor will adjust the boot by one click (I hope just one) to begin the process of stretching the tendon back into its normal position.

TRIUMPH AT THE TRACK!!!

It was a long day and it went well into the night, but I didn't notice until I looked back. Thursday was the 25th Oakland County Middle School Track and Field Championships held at Clarkston High School.

I proudly joined the Oakview team this season as an assistant coach. You may recall from previous posts that it was in fact at track practice when this Road to Recovery began (2 weeks ago). It has been a remarkable season and it didn't end anything less than remarkable.

These two weeks have been bumpy at best. I have been struggling with my limitations and NOTenjoying my lack of mobility!!! But there was track , THANK GOODNESS, there was track. I was clearly not as effective as a coach, but THANK GOODNESS (again) we had Coach Witherspoon. I couldn't get to practice on time due to having to wait for a ride :( But I had a ride in the form of my fifteen-year-old son who luckily has his permit :) Seeing MY kids (yes they are ALL MY kids)! was pure joy (O.K. some headaches when they were chatty or didn't "feel" like it, but mostly joy)!!!

Sure, sometimes I got a little jealous watching them run while I had to sit in my wheelchair, but mostly I just loved watching them work, push, endure, improve... Coaching at the long jump pit helped too. Getting to talk one on one with an athlete and discuss what they are feeling and asking them to run faster, jump higher, hold your feet up, get your eyes up...watching, tweaking, improving...ahhh!

I have coached for many years (17 oops, now 18 years). I sometimes forget that I love it when I'm in the thick of it, but stepping back ( or should I say rolling back) and watching my kids was/is glorious and although I was sitting in a chair, for that short part of the day, I didn't feel totally broken, totally helpless or totally useless.

On to the meet. County Championships. Oakland County Championships is the LARGEST middle school track meet in the NATION!!! You heard me! In the U.S.A! And my kids were there and my kids kicked BUTT!!! I should tell you that my kids are a part of an incredible track program that has a culture 13 years in the making all thanks to Coach Z. His drive and vision are the reasons I got to be a part of such an incredible season. He will hunt kids down in the hallways at school and tell them, not ask them, but tell them they should run track. He can be a goofball (remember the juggling and again the start of this blog), but he will also encourage and teach these young athletes and expect from them the things they don't realize they can do...run faster than they ever have before!

Geez, I keep getting all side tracked from telling you about one of the greatest competitions I have ever been a part of. Thursdays meet, was full of ups and downs, but mostly ups! My kids were individual and relay champions in several events. I watched one of my boys get his PR in the mile improving his PR by 30 SECONDS!!! And crushing the Oakland County record by 10 SECONDS!!! I can't YELL LOUD ENOUGH how AMAZING that is, but it is AMAZING!!!!

Over all Oakview had 6 individual and 2 Relay teams as Oakland County Champs!!! AMAAAAAAAAZZZZIIIIINGG!!!! The Boys team won as a team and so did the Girls. The girls posted points in 14 out of 16 events!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!! They set school records and County records and personal records and it was GOOOOOOOOOOD!

So maybe this seems a little off topic for a achilles blog, but remmeber, this is the road to recovery and this season is the reason I'm writing, but it's also a reason for me to keep getting up and getting going! These kids, MY TRACK KIDS, made one day on this road to recovery feel easy and FABULOUS!!!!!

In case I don't say it enough, thank you to all the people who have driven me to the store, the doctor's or to catch the bus for the County meet! I am so grateful to know all of these self sacrificing people! And thank you to my family who I threw under the bus in my last post, thank you for loving me when I'm cranky and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE remember to change the toilet paper roll! :) Thank you to Charlie who drove me to practice and helped in the yard and to Jacob who mowed the lawn :)

AND WAY TO GO COACH Z AND OAKVIEW TRACK AND FIELD! THANKS FOR MAKING THIS JOURNEY HAPPEN ;) AND THANKS FOR MAKING THE JOURNEY FUN!!!

10 Days In or 10 Days Out?

I was thinking (internally whining) again today about my ever rising level of frustration. And as I began to think of how I would appropriately vent without the possibility of my husband and children totally abandoning me due to my cranky and downright irritable demeanor, I started to think about how far into this delightful experience I am.

I am 10 days out from the surgery. 10 days away from the very beginning of this journey. I am 10 days better than the day I ripped a very crucial tendon. I am 10 days away from being cut open, pieced together and sewn back up. I am 10 days out.

I am also 10 days in. 10 days into the recovery process. 10 days in to wearing a boot. 10 days in to using crutches and wheelchairs. 10 days into being helpless/useless. 10 days in to relying on others to do what used to be the simplest tasks. I am just 10 days in to a ??-months long sentence. I am 10 days in.

I am lucky. I have been blessed with great friends and a great community. My family has been fed everyday for the past 10 days. It's as if my friends know that my family will starve to death if I do not feed them. I believe that my kids will learn a lot about food preparations this summer, but as for now they are well taken care of and I am MOST GRATEFUL!!!

I am frustrated. I love my children and my husband, but I feel let down by their version of care-giving. As the wife and mother of this brood, I will of course take the guilty blame for this problem. I have not expected enough of them to this point which is why many times when I ask for help or a favor I seem to get the eye roll and sigh. I have always been healthy and busy and able to take care of myself and the 4 other people who live in my house. This they have come to expect. I guess I thought that my example of care-giving would be enough to get reciprocated. I am 10 days into helplessness, but I am SEVENTEEN YEARS IN to doing for others. sacrificing. laundering. feeding. giving. doing. Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint. My house is not ever spotless, there are always weeds in the yard. But I don't think I roll my eyes and sigh every time I have cooked a dinner, gone to the emergency room, was asked at 10 o'clock at night to wash a uniform, went to a game, concert, recital, work party..... (sometimes I do, but mostly I don't).

So, throwing my kids and hubby under the bus isn't the nicest way to blog. They are good people, just not quite a mom/wife.

I am grateful. I am surrounded in my life by mothers and wives! The women in my life have sacrificed their time and given of their talents to make sure things are getting done. Not just the food, but taking me shopping for birthdays, taking me to the doctor, phone calls, visits, time, time, time and no eye rolls, no sighs :)

I am stopped at the corner of Grateful Blvd. and Resentment Ln. and the light is blinking red. I really need to just keep going down the good road, but I keep getting stuck at the light.
Am I expecting to much? Um NO!
Is my family as frustrated as I am? Probably.
Do I care? A little, but not really, it's their turn to step it up!
Should I change my expectations? No! But maybe my approach.
I am a go, go, go kinda girl and I just may want things done the way I want them done RIGHT NOW, SO DO IT!!! And with that I will put myself under the bus, but just a little ;) And try to improve my demeanor. I just hope they will try to improve theirs, because we are only 10 days in!

I had a doctors visit today and all went well. My friend Jill drew the short straw today and did the driving. It was a great day to chat and get caught up, until I left her in the waiting room with a VERY chatty lady...sorry :( The appointment went well and the steri-strips were removed to reveal.....THE STICTCHES!!!! I took a picture and will share that soon! There are new steri-strips over the incision now, but everything looked good. I go back in 3 weeks to begin the exciting process of dialing the boot!!! (I don't think it's gonna feel so hot :( But, it will get me that much closer to walking)!

Dreams, Dreams, Dreams and Songs that Motivate

I'm not a big dreamer anymore. Not to sound defeated or anything, it just that when I was a kid I had very vivid dreams and lots of them. Nowadays, the nighttime stories just don't make it through to daytime awareness. Last night however, I had many dreams mostly of monotonous daily tasks like doing the laundry and cooking dinner, but in every one I was standing on my own two feet. I was aware of the standing, I was careful and cautious of my footfalls in my dreams, but I was doing it on my own nonetheless.

I am going to mark this down as positive visualization and ride this wave of hope since so much of my conscious thoughts lately have been geared toward the things I can't do and the long, long, long time frame of the recovery process. I'm glad that my subconscious is staying positive :)

Ed says, (that's the hubby) he's going to start pumping "Eye of the Tiger" through the house and change all of our ring tones to that. I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that. I mean I love Survivor (not the T.V. show, but the great 80's band) as much as the next guy, but that could be a bit much.

Ahhh, I'm a big talker, who am I kidding, it's already on my iPod, along with great motivational songs like, "So What Cha Want" by the Beastie Boys, "Push It" by Salt 'n Peppa, "St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)" by John Parr, "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by the Scorpions, "Steady as She Goes" by the Raconteurs and "The Cup of Life," by Ricky Martin where he repeatedly asks, "DO YOU REALLY WANT IT?"

I do.

I really want to do my own laundry, vacuum my bedroom, get food out of the refrigerator without fear of dropping something or falling on my face. I really want to do a round off, back handspring, back tuck again.

I really want it.

It also makes me wonder what songs carry you through?

Follow my blog and fill me in :) Thanks!